West Virginia....BOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Note to reader: (This weekend I attended a freind's wedding in Marietta, OH. Since Marietta is bordering Parkersburg, West Virginia, I will describe the culture of this town such as West Virginian culture. Based on my encounters with townees I will refer to them as West Virginians.)

Willson Rodrgieuez is a generally a city boy. (Yes I referred to myself in the third person.) I grew up in a suburban area of Columbus, OH and never had many experiences traveling to the southern part of the state. My perspective is mainly based upon Central and Northeast Ohio. These parts of Ohio are not rural as it includes Columbus and Cleveland which are both major cities. Now I will admit I am prejudiced about Southern Ohio and West Virginia. I will also admit I am an asshole, so if you are from WV or Southern OH, please enlighten me. I wouldn't go as far as saying I hate them, but I definitly think these areas give the Midwest a bad name. These couple of places make everybody else refer to all Ohioans as 'hillbillies' and 'white trash'. I never travel to West Virginia, because honestly I just don't like the place. The culture is ass backwards and I just don't feel comfortable there. I've heard stories of crazy West Virginians roaming around in the mountains calling themselves the 'Mountain Millitia'. The people just kind of weird me out.

When I first arrive in Marietta, I actually thought it was a nice town. We get to the hotel which has a beautiful view of the Ohio river. The downtown area was old fashioned and had a nice small town look to it. I was soon to find out I was dead wrong. During the day the place had sort of of nice homey feel and I was comfortable there. At night when we had gone out to visit a few of the local bars, that's when it started getting a little strange. At the bar there were a ton of old women with tatoos on their boobs dressed like whores. The guys sported mullets, had the strangest demeanor to them, and looked like they were all hopped up on drugs. After the bars closed down around 2:00, our group of a few freinds and our significant others were looking to grab some food and headed to the local diner. We arrive at the diner. It was one of those places you really wouldn't eat at unless you were drunk and there was no other place open. After we sit down a slew of sketchy people came in. There were some dirty mullets followed by a neo-nazi biker gang. Wonderful. When I saw a group of crusty old people doing a choo choo train to their seats, it put the icing on the cake and I was ready to head back to the hotel and get the hell out of Marietta.

This post is mainly to vent about my weekend experience. As I sat down to write my feelings on Marietta/WV, I was browsing the internet and came across something that made me dislike West Virginia even more. I come to find out these people take pride in their hot dogs. I actually found a website dedicated to "West Virginia hot dogs" The breakdown of the West Virginia hotdog is probably the most scientific thing anybody in the history of the state has ever done.

I don't really care that the people take pride in their hotdogs, but there is NOTHING UNIQUE about this hotdog! The last time I checked many people include coleslaw, chilli, mustard, chopped onions, and a fucking bun to make a hotdog.

Anyways, I hope I didn't offend any West Virginians or Marietta Folk that may come across this blog. I'm sure you are nice people. I'm just a fan of making hasty generalizations.

Things that get made fun of by default.

Things I encounter in daily life that make me laugh.... just because:

1) A fauxhawk mullet. These combine two of the worst hair styles from two different generations. Now I'm not Nostradamus, but I have a feeling Fauxhawks will have the same type of stigma as mullets in forthcoming years. This hair style needs broken down into two parts. The mullet and the fauxhawk.

A) The Mullet: Beyond popular belief that this hairstyle was cool in the 80's, it has always signified white trash. I was forced into this hairstyle when I was six years old by my parents. When I came of age and realized the trashiness my head was subjected to, I was left emotionally scarred. Notable 80's celebs with mullets: John Stamos, Billy Ray Cyrus, Michael Keaton, Bon Jovi.

Tagline: Business in the front, party in the back.

B) The fauxhawk: A fauxhawk is a Mohawk made without shaving any part of the head. Nobody really knows where the fauxhawk originated, but David Beckham is seen in pictures sporting one in early 2005. People seem to be torn between the popularity of the hairstyle. You either love it or hate it . It's a mohawk, but not really. What a fauxhawk says about you: You think you are both hardcore and trendy,but in all reality you are just too big of a pussy to get a real Mohawk.

2) A third nipple. Jesus Christ. I didn't know these existed until last Friday when somebody at work mentioned it. I quickly browsed Google Images to find pictures of this. I was hoping to see something such as the three breasted woman in Total Recall, but I come to find these tri-nipplers usually double up on one boobie. Now, I understand you have no control over being born with a third nipple, but none the less it still warrants light hearted jokes and humiliation by default.

3) Speedos. I have to say I never really understood Speedos. Being clueless on this subject I am referencing an article I Google searched for 'why Speedos?' I found an informative Ask Men article The Speedo Debate. To sum it up, OK to wear if in a swimming competition, otherwise no. Lets get real, about 95% of us who go to the beach or pool aren't training for the Olympics so there is no need to flaunt your package around in a pair of tiny little spandex underwear . Its gross and nobody thinks you're cool. You should be ashamed of yourself.

4) Motor Scooters - Here is my beef with these. You want the rush of a motorcycle but your balls haven't dropped yet. If you can't handle a real bike, why settle for a glorified moped? They were cool in the 6th grade, but now you are a GROWN ASS MAN! Don't be like the guy in the picture. You would look a lot cooler just riding your Schwinn than picking a girl up on your yellow Vespa.

5) Chinese people pronouncing l's as r's. I'm totally not being racist here at all, but you all know exactly like I mean. Next time you order Chinese food, order a dish with broccoli. Your broccoli suddenly turns to 'Brocorri' and you are left laughing hysterically. I'm not exactly sure why Chinese Americans have trouble pronouncing their l's, but my God is it 'hirrarious'.

5 tips for making the most of of the recession

Unfortunately, we are going through a rough patch as Americans. We are talking about the recession. When we say a recession, we are talking about the economy not your shrinking hairline. Times are tough, money is tight, and everybody is scrounging to pinch a penny. I am going to help you pull yourself out of this economic rut by your bootstraps being the kind, caring, and classy gentleman that I am. Here are five tips to help you even in the grittiest of times:


1) Instead of taking vacations, DO ACID.



Now there is no need to worry about planning your vacation any longer. For a fraction of the price of a conventional vacation, you can go anywhere you mind will take you. Screw planning a trip to Mexico when you can take a head trip to visit aliens in outer space. The only thing that limits you are the depths of your mind. Go jet skiing on your 'cerebral' ocean or frolic around with some happy dinosaurs. Battle gigantic spiders , take a magic carpet ride through a rainbow universe and find the hidden pot of gold with a leprechaun named Fruit Juice Fred. Far out Maaaan....

Enough Said





2) Get involved in free extracurricular Activities, join a local street gang.


Want to punch an old lady in the face? Meet new interesting risk takers, network, and become a cocaine entrepreneur? These are only some of the benefits of joining your local street gang. The price to join is a small nominal fee to participate in the activities of this wonderful group of misfits. It is free of charge to join as long as you are willing to take a beat down from your new 'homies'. There are also a list of other horrendous violent crimes that act as entry ways if interested. Get involved in selling drugs to the members of your community and watching it rot slowly before your eyes selfishly for the ability to purchase that new pair of Air Force Ones. Join today you little ho ass bitch.

Gangs even support causes for the hearing impaired.

3) Sell your house. Build a CARDBOARD HOUSE!

WoW! Lookie here! Your dreams have come true! Your very own cardboard house! Want to eliminate that pesky mortgage payment every month? Want to tell the bank to get off your nutsack? We are in a recession folks! This is the answer to all of your problems! It is a double win situation, you get a new pad (or box) and you have heaps of extra money from getting rid of that old brick and mortar piece of junk. Another great feature is that is Eco friendly! Dealing with all those 'tree hugging hippie ultra liberal smug turdburglars' who keep annoyingly telling you to reduce your carbon footprint is now a thing of the past. Let the self righteous Hollywood celebs drive their Smart (clown) cars. You can trump them with your Cardboard house. Save money, save the environment, be only half the douche bag.

4) Use the recession as a discipline tool for your children.

Not all of these tips are money saving tips. This one in particular is to instill fear and morals into the little crumb grabbing, "oops the condom broke" blessings we like to call 'children'. Now don't get me wrong, I like kids a lot (not to sound creepy). They are the future of America. As adults we want to raise them the best as we can so they are able to live productive, happy, and fulfilling lives by the time they too become adults in our society. We need to raise them strong to live in this world. We all know it can be a dark and cruel place at times. With that being said, this is why I suggest introducing the fable of the "Recession Monster" What is the Recession Monster you ask yourself? If the kid's don't clean their room or do their homework, the Recession Monster will come and EAT THEIR BRAINS!!! Nobody really knows what the Recession Monster looks like, but it is said to be a mix between Nancy Pelosi, Sasquach, and Richard Simmons.

5) Gamble your 401K in Vegas

Why not? The economy is shrinking, hence the recession. A 401 K is a mutual fund which is comprised of different stocks diversified in many different industries. The major stock exchanges are losing money on a daily basis. Retirement funds are shrinking all over the place at alamrming rates. What the hell? Might as well go big or go home. Take that shrinking piddly 401 K account and make something of it! Put it all on red! Bet it on the pass line and roll them bones baby! Isn't playing the stock market all about risk and reward? If so why not take the biggest risk of all?..... and get a free drink on the house while you are at it.

Might as well try your nest egg at the quarter slots.

Well those are my 5 tips for making the most out a recession. Thanks for reading. If you choose to take any of my advice you are absolutely retarded.

This creeps me out for some reason

Alright. So I came across a sweet website Friday called retrojunk.com. The site is basically a database of commercials, TV shows, and movies from the 70's, 80's and 90's with video trailers to accompany them. Being the dork that I am, I decide spending two hours looking at these older commercials from my past is ideal. I browse through a couple general products commercials from the 80's when I move on to some vintage public service announcements from that decade. After watching Clint Eastwood as Dirty Hairy and PeeWee Herman tell me not to smoke crack in character, I decide it's time to jump into the 1990's and check out what gems they have to offer. I go to the public service announcements and start checking some of those out and soon come across the creepiest drug PSA I have ever seen in my life. The PSA had to do with meth. Becoming very intrigued, I YouTube other meth ads and let me tell you what, this is some of the eeriest shit I have seen in long time. No horror movie since The Ring has given me the chills like these meth commercials. Now I know I sound like a big pussy, but check these out and let me know what you think.

Heeeeeeyyyy Guuuuuuyyyyyyssss.. My take on some of my fav motivational posters

Well, I'm pretty bored to say the least and the best idea seemed like putting captions on some of my favorite motivational posters. Here are just a few stragglers I found in the depths of Google Images.

Nothing could be more true

Don't pretend that you wouldn't scream like

a little girl if you saw that shit. Prepare to lose your man card.

This guy's idea is about as cool as

fast moving zombies with SuperAIDS.

OH SHIT. Mr. Ed is on Acid again.

It's RONALD MCDONALD BITCH! BREAK YO SELF!!!!

MCGangster son.....

Now I wouldn't say that her vagina is a clown car,

but I'm pretty sure you could drive a car through her vagina.

Role Models...ehh?

So the most exciting thing I have to post about lately in this mundane life of mine is that I watched Role Models last night. I held very high expectations for this movie going in to watching it. I think Paul Rudd generally plays a pretty good dry humor role and Sean William Scott is the king of playing "the asshole". I'm going to refer to him as Stifler because forever in my mind he remains so from American Pie. They both fit their parts very well in the movie, but overall it was mediocre. I base this on the plot. To sum up the movie, it's about a guy who is upset with his life which he feels is meaningless, loses his girlfriend, gets into trouble with his jerk off buddy, has to perform community service helping children so he doesn't spend thirty days in jail. Between multiple funny scenarios, the guy figures himself out, befriends the children, and gets the girl back. It followed suit throughout the whole movie with minimal if any twists. Very predictable. My favorite part of the movie had to be at the end. There is a scene where a Dungeon and Dragons battle is underway. Something is comical about dramatic music being played to douchebags smacking each other with foam swords thinking they are truely going to become the king of their fairy land. Honorable mention goes to Bobb'e J Thompson who plays Stifler's child he has to befriend through their community service program. He plays a shithead little kid with a foul mouth who loves boobies. My man! To sum it up, if you are bored and want to watch something mildly entertaining with some laughs here and there, and not have to be thought provoked, check out Role Models.

A little more sunshine...

Is it just me or does every media outlet in the US glorify dark and tragic events? I am sick and tired of checking the news on CNN.com and hearing about children being abducted, people being kidnapped and murdered, how global warming is going to end human existence if I don't buy one of those gay ass SMART cars, and how a great depression is lurking in the shadows of our economy. Please, don't get me wrong, I realize that these horrific occurrences are plaguing our world on a daily basis and I do like to be kept aware. It's not the simple fact that I don't realize how common these events occur but more so that positive light is rarely being shed today in the media. I'm tired of being beat with the mass media's depression and panic stick. These major media outlets such as CNN, FOX NEWS, MS NBC are all culprits. The world is just too consumed with the next bubonic plague (Swine Flu) or Great Depression (our current economy) that people don't realize any good that is going on in right front of their faces. How about an article focused on a community service project being conducted or a general random act of kindness? People around the world are giving their free time and energy to make a difference helping others. You won't see this highly publicized because the media is more concerned about the bottom line of their income statement, and we all know that this is panic driven. I challenge a mass media corporation to put a fair balance of positive news on display. I am consciously making the choice to use my "happy filter" from now on. No more petty bullshit is going to bother me. Sure, CNN will tell me the world is going to collapse on me, some creepy dude is going to abduct and kill me to make a Willson Rodriguez face mask, or I'll lose my job and live in a tent city. Until any of this happens, I think I'm just going to chill out and enjoy the happiness that is in front of me because life will go on.