5 tips for making the most of of the recession

Unfortunately, we are going through a rough patch as Americans. We are talking about the recession. When we say a recession, we are talking about the economy not your shrinking hairline. Times are tough, money is tight, and everybody is scrounging to pinch a penny. I am going to help you pull yourself out of this economic rut by your bootstraps being the kind, caring, and classy gentleman that I am. Here are five tips to help you even in the grittiest of times:


1) Instead of taking vacations, DO ACID.



Now there is no need to worry about planning your vacation any longer. For a fraction of the price of a conventional vacation, you can go anywhere you mind will take you. Screw planning a trip to Mexico when you can take a head trip to visit aliens in outer space. The only thing that limits you are the depths of your mind. Go jet skiing on your 'cerebral' ocean or frolic around with some happy dinosaurs. Battle gigantic spiders , take a magic carpet ride through a rainbow universe and find the hidden pot of gold with a leprechaun named Fruit Juice Fred. Far out Maaaan....

Enough Said





2) Get involved in free extracurricular Activities, join a local street gang.


Want to punch an old lady in the face? Meet new interesting risk takers, network, and become a cocaine entrepreneur? These are only some of the benefits of joining your local street gang. The price to join is a small nominal fee to participate in the activities of this wonderful group of misfits. It is free of charge to join as long as you are willing to take a beat down from your new 'homies'. There are also a list of other horrendous violent crimes that act as entry ways if interested. Get involved in selling drugs to the members of your community and watching it rot slowly before your eyes selfishly for the ability to purchase that new pair of Air Force Ones. Join today you little ho ass bitch.

Gangs even support causes for the hearing impaired.

3) Sell your house. Build a CARDBOARD HOUSE!

WoW! Lookie here! Your dreams have come true! Your very own cardboard house! Want to eliminate that pesky mortgage payment every month? Want to tell the bank to get off your nutsack? We are in a recession folks! This is the answer to all of your problems! It is a double win situation, you get a new pad (or box) and you have heaps of extra money from getting rid of that old brick and mortar piece of junk. Another great feature is that is Eco friendly! Dealing with all those 'tree hugging hippie ultra liberal smug turdburglars' who keep annoyingly telling you to reduce your carbon footprint is now a thing of the past. Let the self righteous Hollywood celebs drive their Smart (clown) cars. You can trump them with your Cardboard house. Save money, save the environment, be only half the douche bag.

4) Use the recession as a discipline tool for your children.

Not all of these tips are money saving tips. This one in particular is to instill fear and morals into the little crumb grabbing, "oops the condom broke" blessings we like to call 'children'. Now don't get me wrong, I like kids a lot (not to sound creepy). They are the future of America. As adults we want to raise them the best as we can so they are able to live productive, happy, and fulfilling lives by the time they too become adults in our society. We need to raise them strong to live in this world. We all know it can be a dark and cruel place at times. With that being said, this is why I suggest introducing the fable of the "Recession Monster" What is the Recession Monster you ask yourself? If the kid's don't clean their room or do their homework, the Recession Monster will come and EAT THEIR BRAINS!!! Nobody really knows what the Recession Monster looks like, but it is said to be a mix between Nancy Pelosi, Sasquach, and Richard Simmons.

5) Gamble your 401K in Vegas

Why not? The economy is shrinking, hence the recession. A 401 K is a mutual fund which is comprised of different stocks diversified in many different industries. The major stock exchanges are losing money on a daily basis. Retirement funds are shrinking all over the place at alamrming rates. What the hell? Might as well go big or go home. Take that shrinking piddly 401 K account and make something of it! Put it all on red! Bet it on the pass line and roll them bones baby! Isn't playing the stock market all about risk and reward? If so why not take the biggest risk of all?..... and get a free drink on the house while you are at it.

Might as well try your nest egg at the quarter slots.

Well those are my 5 tips for making the most out a recession. Thanks for reading. If you choose to take any of my advice you are absolutely retarded.